Loss

Loss is such a difficult thing to discuss, speak of or even write about. It’s an emptiness… a void in your heart and soul that triggers random thoughts, memories, and tears. Loss is my greatest fear. It causes grief and mourning. I fear it because it alerts me to the reality that I have no control over anything really. I can pray but even that doesn’t always protect against loss… it does comfort but it doesn’t always stop loss from happening.

Sudden Loss is devastating. The shock and unexpectedness of it makes the hurt of loss even greater for me. Of course I never want someone to suffer in pain from an illness, but I do think saying goodbye and having a chance to have no regrets of things you should have said or done makes my heart heal in a different way. Not everyone feels this way, I know.

It’s hard to have a day of complete happy and joy when you wish the people you loved were there to share it with you. Once you lose someone very close, you feel like you have already had the best day of your life, because any day going forward…. will always be missing that one person to either share it with you or tell it to.

Grief and mourning come at unexpected times. Sometimes its while I’m driving, hear a song, watch a movie, laying in bed before I go to sleep, drinking coffee in the quiet of the morning, or sometimes I’m just chopping up vegetables in the kitchen… I miss my people, but I especially miss my Dad, my person I went to for advise, for approval, for a hug and shoulder to cry on, for prayer, for everything. I don’t understand “the why”. I want to just have a feeling of comfort in trusting the Lord, but I don’t. I’m upset. In fact, at times, I’m mad at Him, God. I might as well say it, its not like He doesn’t already know. We talk in prayer and He’s holding on to me, because frankly I don’t have the strength to hold it together on my own…. and realizing that is why it’s okay to be angry. God knows and is okay with it because He knows me and because I am his child, I still love Him and He is my Savior.

My Dad

My Pa

Kyle

Angie

I miss and love you all….. but especially you Daddy.

Today’s Prayer

Today my prayers didn’t contain many words, very simple:

Help me to see.

Help me to hear.

Help me to feel.

Help me to heal.

Help me to trust.

Thank you for what you are doing and have done, even what I can’t see.

Let’s see how this goes! Im ready 6/3/2019

I have gone through 4 different phases since my kids have grown up.

First I worked part time and had a very busy social life. Went to many events, was always busy – seemed pretty happy but complained a lot about work and not having enough money.

Second I had a very consuming job that was very stressful made my brain hurt – had plenty of money and didn’t worry about that aspect but when I would get off work I was so tired I didn’t want to do anything but still felt pressured to attend certain social events, church events, dinners with friends we really didn’t want to spend time with, and therefore I was the most unhappy.

Then dad died.

I quit working and I was at home for seven months. I took myself out of the social loop completely. And Pretty much immediately and continually. We did not go to the same church anymore, we did not feel the pressure to be there. we started visiting my mothers church and there’s no pressure to be there, we just go when we feel like it. We really don’t have any friends that we feel pressured to be around at all and we enjoy our chill lifestyle. I enjoy being socially disconnected. Quantity is overrated when it comes to friendships quality and small is much better. The only thing missing is work. I need to work and enjoy a job and I need to bring in an income so we’re not so strapped for money.

This last phase will be a full-time job , money to do things without worrying, come home, enjoy the chill & no pressure to be around social events or people.

Let’s see how this goes!

I am who I say I am

It kind of sucks when you find out someone you thought was your friend is indeed not your friend.

i have had friendships end before… but usually it’s been we went down different roads, grew apart, different interests … nothing tragic … things just change… life changes. people that I look back on and know God brought us together temporarily but our memories are forever… Those were all good people… otherwise i wouldn’t have been their friend in the first place… but a few times in your life time – you will cross a snake in the grass… Someone that uses you without you realizing it…. someone that is vindictive and is only for themselves – someone you trusted, laughed with, cried with, invited into your home for the holidays when they had no one, someone you went out of your way to help or be there for… someone you inconvenienced your life to help better theirs… and then things change like life does and instead of appreciating the friendship for what it was, you find out that person has said ugly things about you that are not true. Wow! It’s like a slap in the face. I know people that know me won’t believe it and people that know this person know the source … but it still hurts. And for the record – i am who i say i am. I am EXACTLY who I say I am. I don’t pretend to be anyone other than who God made me. 👊🏻

I know!

I have always had the ability to find stuff out!!

I don’t always speak on it, but trust me… I know!!

To my love Victor

I will tell you this is the hardest year of my life and with every sad, scary or stressful event – there you were by my side. I can’t imagine loving you more than I do. There are still those days you drive me crazy too… oh boy are there!! And you know which days those are (lol)… but even on those crazy days, you’re still the one. Thanks for putting up with me when I haven’t been easy to deal with, I’m no picnic myself sometimes either.

Look forward not back

Never let unsupportive people stay in your circle

Some people from your past are NOT meant to be a part of your future.

Some people don’t deserve your friendship

Final moments

Nobody ever asks for things in the final moments of life. They always ask for people, because eventually everybody learns that life is all about relationships.

Taking Time to Heal 2/2/2019

Victor told me to take some time to heal.

I’m just still really struggling. I know everyone grieves differently but I didn’t think I would struggle so badly. I’m still so sad and I still cry everyday.

I just keep praying that I can heal and find joy again.

My Daddy was my favorite person in the world. i know tons of people suffer loss and some much greater than mine so I have guilt for grieving so hard on top of the actual grieving.

Also, I wasn’t able to take off and be with my family at Christmas and I regret it …but i made a commitment to help them open the store and I couldn’t take off and go to San Antonio like the rest of the family but I wish now I would have and it was awful.

We have a little bit of a cushion so I can take a break and then when I’m feeling up to it – get another job. I feel like I keep making mistakes in the job department- this wasn’t a good choice like I thought it would be.

I liked this stuff when i was in my 20’s… but I am too old to be on my feet constantly- lifting, moving, heavy stuff constantly… i could barely walk and my sciatic nerve hurt so much i was taking pain medicine just to function.

Maybe because I’m just grieving so hard, maybe because I’m too old for this job….

It’s been two weeks since I quit and i physically feel better now.

This is the Saddest i have ever been I miss my Daddy 1/26/2019

I have so many things to say but no words to say them… My Daddy was the greatest man Any of us have ever known and We loved him with all our hearts.

I don’t know how people get over such great losses in a family. I can only assume Jesus will get my family through this because We can’t do it alone. He was who we all strived to be like. He was who we all turned to for advise. He was a godly man. He was our mentor, friend, father and our hero. He made everyone of his kids and grand kids feel they were the favorite … even though he would never actually have a favorite. He had a special relationship with each of us and did special things for and with each of us. My heart starts searching the room for him the past few days even though i know he is gone.

I am trying to pray but I’m just so sad… i am letting my tears be my prayers for now ♥️

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I want to hug my dad one more time and see his little smile walk up in his jeans and a blue shirt and say, hey Steph 😃 smiling and so happy to see me.

I miss him more than my heart can say

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When i was in labor with Shelby and Victor and i weren’t together- my dad was there holding my hand and helping with my breathing during my contractions and i can remember looking into his eyes and his loving smile.

He was such an good daddy

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My dad has given me a valentine heart shaped box of candy every year since i was 2 years old.

every year he shows up at my door with a box —- every single year.

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Personal notes about dad and this experience

I feel a shift has occurred and although i know we have to go on… nothing will ever be the same.

He bought me my first coffee pot and i felt like such an adult when he gave it to me… and he bought me my last coffee pot.

He came to Austin and got me and drove me home, as we left Solsbury Hill came on the radio, it has always reminded me of that time my daddy brought me home

—————dream————/

Tuesday November 5, 2018

I guess i had been thinking of Ambers speech at the funeral :

I wasn’t young – i was the age i am now but it somehow still made sense in the dream.

I told him i wanted to be a time traveler when i grew up so i could go back in time and see him anytime i wanted and i hugged him and cried and he smiled huge and sortof laughed and hugged me tight and said – hey Steph, it’s going to be ok, you can visit me anytime you want in your dreams. I’m doing fine.

We were at the movies watching dancing with the Stars

And eating popcorn too

All of us … Dad, mom, me and my family, Amber and her family, Austin and his family and Lisa and Ridley.

Mom told me she was watching it the other night so i guess that is where that came from.

I don’t watch it 🤷‍♀️

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11/30/18

I went out last night

Like i wasn’t a hermit.

We went to the Blue Johnnies reunion concert at Hoots.

We had so much fun.

Three people i ran into hugged me and talked about Dad. I had a few tears but i didn’t break down. But Victor did.

And then one of the ladies felt horrible for even bringing it up.

But i felt a peace last night… watching a reunion band play from the 80’s … it was like i felt more like i need to live my life more purposeful… enjoy and soak it all in like Dad did… not sit around and be sad all the time. It’s still so hard but i had a little healing last night if that makes any sense.

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We had so much fun.

Three people i ran into hugged me and talked about Dad. I had a few tears but i didn’t break down. But Victor did.

And then one of the ladies felt horrible for even bringing it up.

But i felt a peace last night… watching a reunion band play from the 80’s … it was like i felt more like i need to live my life more purposeful… enjoy and soak it all in like Dad did… not sit around and be sad all the time. It’s still so hard but i had a little healing last night if that makes any sense.

1/26/19

It’s been exactly 3 months since dad died. I’m still as heart broken as i was after his funeral

I think of him and cry for my loss everyday still. I am suffering and i don’t know how to find peace. I miss him so very much. I need his advice and his hug and his faith in me. He alone was the only person in my life that ever made me feel i could do anything and i miss him

I know I’m being selfish- heaven is probably amazing for him but i want him home. He was my favorite person in the world besides my kids and Vic

I will never get over his death