A Season of Change – published 8/1/09
Friday, April 19, 2013
I’m going through a season of change. So many changes in such a short time has really had a huge effect on me.
I have decided to start a blog as an outlet for some of my building feelings that I may not want to air on Facebook.
6 weeks ago I sold my bookstore. On Monday, May 18th, after many emails, a man and his wife walked in and gave me a down payment on the bookstore. I than began packing up and getting ready to u-haul the books to Spring Branch outside of San Antonio.
I also had my oldest son graduating that weekend.
My emotions were and still are a roller coaster of feelings. I’m up … I’m down… I feel like laughing, I feeling screaming with excitement, I feel like crying, I feel like I might throw up, I feel like I might fall, I smile, and I hold on tight.
I just feel so out of control. I have no idea what God has planned for me.
When I first opened the store, everything fell into place.
I could see God’s hand in every step of the way. He opened doors and everything went so smoothly there was no doubt in my mind he was at work… But then when the economy started getting bad, I said, “oh people who read will always read. I will probably do even better because I can sell them gently used books at a better price and they will come here instead of the big chain stores.” But when that never happened I felt so lost. So finally I said, “ok God, I will put it out there and if someone wants to buy it and I can get out without owing everyone money…I will let it go.” Sometimes you just have to let go and let God.
SO I let go.
Then everyone I know and DON’T know asked me, “Why did you close the store?” “What are you gonna do now?” They would say, “I’m sad, now where will I take my books.” I would smile and say “I’m sorry I’m sad too, but it’s for the best.” What I really wanted to say was, “well, if some of you were more into BUYING instead of bringing in your old books then maybe I could have survived!” Also, I noticed over the years, oddly enough I have tons of friends that read, however not very many of them at all shopped in my store. They were still shopping at BN, Hastings, Wal-Mart, Sam’s and Target. Partly for convenience I’m sure, but so many locals talk the talk of SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESS however, few actually do. I felt like I was going through steps of Loss… first shock, then sadness, then aggravation (I wanted so badly to yell “POSERS!” at some of these people.) Next…I looked for the good in the situation.
Always the glass is half full kind of girl, I just smile and say, “I know God has a plan, I feel blessed that I had a buyer and that it all went so smoothly. I am ready for my new adventure.”
Now, I’m feeling a little scared and ready for God to reveal whatever it is I’m supposed to do. I keep telling myself…” ENJOY THE JOURNEY ON THE WAY TO WHERE YOU ARE GOING!…” and then I say… “easier said than done! ” (sigh)
On top of this change, My first baby is going to be leaving in a little over two weeks to start his life as an adult. He will be going to culinary school in Odessa four hours away.
I am so thrilled for him, but again I feel a loss. Our little family unit will never ever be the same. He has already somewhat detached… he is gone all the time. With your first baby, you just don’t realize what is just around the corner or you would savor certain moments in time that you didn’t even realize where important or the last time it would ever be. I feel a lot of regret of things I always said we would do, but never had the money to do.
I am sad not only for what will never be again, but because he is so different now. I really am so proud of him and how far he has come in the past two years. There was a time I really thought I was losing him. But I would give anything for him to love me the way he did when he was little. Sometimes when he has said something horrible or hurt my feelings badly, I will close my eyes and picture that blond-headed little boy running to me with his arms wide open and yelling “Mommy!” oh so excited to see me.
Then there is my sweet 16 baby girl. Sometimes I feel that through all that has gone on, I have somehow overlooked certain things with her because she is so easy. I do actually spend more time with her, but I’m afraid it’s not enough. There are so many things I want to do for her that I thought was going to be easy, but now with finances not at all where we thought they would be… are becoming very difficult to do. She gets very upset when I talk about finances… and it’s not something a child or teen should have to worry about, but I want her to know the reality of things so she isn’t shell-shocked someday when things don’t always work out the way we plan.
I have been applying for jobs and let me just say that it is very humbling to be out there at 42 trying to get hired by a 25-year-old. I am working temporarily for my sister’s company and it has been oh so humbling. I have cried most days in the car on my way home. Maybe I’m having a pity party for myself, but I just thought I would be in such a different place at this point in my life and instead I am starting over.
I have been trying to speak positive thoughts and any time something negative comes to mind I try my best to push it out of my mind.
I think that the stress of all this has finally affected me physically too. My back went out and has been an issue for about a week and a half now. I started off with back pain and a severe bladder infection, then I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotic and my throat started to swell shut…I then had a panic attack because I thought I was dying… after several doses of Benadryl and a trip to minor emergency, and a steroid shot, I found out that on top of my infection and allergic reaction that the pain in my back is from something muscular or skeletal… Probably my sciatic nerve. I have been on muscle relaxers for a week now.
I am daily looking at the want ads, hoping my dream job will show up. I’ve dropped off my resume at several shops around town.. not knowing what my dream job is… but knowing it is definitely not in the apartment business. I don’t have the killer instinct to do that job. I want everyone to have a home. I want to help people when they ask my opinion instead of saying nothing because legally I can’t …I want to believe everyone because ultimately I’m one of those people who tries to see the best in everyone… therefore it would be easy to take advantage of me in this field thus the reason I’m not cut out for this. I need something more creative. Something that makes me feel good about who I am and what I’m doing… I want to make a difference… even if it’s in a small way.
Working in the bookstore gave me that creative outlet. I listened when an old man just needed someone to hear him, I listened to the middle-aged woman so wrapped up in the romance books she wanted to tell me every detail of the book she just read, I loved finding a book for a child and making them smile. I love doing my art work and I loved that it was my own store and I could be me. I loved that if I wanted to give my opinion or speak of my faith it was ok. I don’t like policies and rules that are laws. I feel all rules are bent to be bent if the situation arises.
and they always do in my world.
I want to feel like myself again.
I will say that I love being at home more. For the last year I was working about 50 to 60 hours a week at the bookstore. My family was neglected , my home was neglected my health was neglected. I just pray that I can find a part-time job that will provide me with an income to help Victor, and I pray I can have more time at home to be the mom and wife I want to be again without the stress of looking for a job. The way it is now, I’ve been home, but spend almost every waking hour looking for a job, or stressing over not having one, instead of enjoying my time at home. This is because of finances I know… It would be great if Victor was offered a job that made more, then I could just concentrate on the things I love doing.
I have noticed that I have become distant with a lot of my friends and family throughout all of this. (accept for my husband and the kids). I just don’t want to talk until I have something good to say. I always feel like they want to console me but instead it just makes me feel more like crap and so I avoid them. I have started getting rid of negative influences.. that has been very helpful. It’s hard to stay positive with negative surroundings.
So back to what I need to end this with… I need to enjoy the journey on the way to where I’m going.
ALSO IN COMMENTS:
The very month I wrote this, I got a job with an old friend from high school. I started working at Marcella Furs with my friend Marcie. I worked sales and then advanced into her marketing director. I had many new experiences there and I know now God meant for me to be there for a temporary time. It was good for the store and it was good for me spiritually too. I was there for about a year. Then…. the job I feel I was waiting for all along finally became available. In November 2010 I was hired as the Community Partners Coordinator for the CPS rainbow room. I love what I do… my prayers for a job that I felt I could make a difference were finally answered. Everyday is a new challenge… and some days are better than others.. but I love it. I was able to live my dream of owning my own bookstore… and now I can help others in a way I never thought possible. My son went to culinary school and moved back to Amarillo, and he is now a grill chef at Cracker Barrel and doing great… we are closer now that he is older. I love him with all my heart and he loves me too. We still have our moments… and to be honest… can only take each other in small doses… probably because he is a lot like I was growing up… and I am constantly struggling to help him not have to go through life the hard way…but he has to learn his own way.. and he will. He is doing great and I am so proud of him. My daughter, Sawyer Beth has been going to Amarillo College for 2 years and is about to start WTAMU. She is an Art education major. She just got promoted to full-time “commercial teller” at Amarillo National Bank. I am so very proud of her. She feels my heart with joy and we are still very close. We genuinely love each others company. She is my best girlfriend.
Victor is still my rock. He stands by me and supports me in everything I say and do. My life would not be complete without him by my side. Thanks God, good job putting us together. April, 21st, 2013.